I saw an article in a major magazine probably six months ago regarding one of the new 'hip' (can I still use that word?) lifestyles becoming more and more common in the West: the childfree life. Reading the article, I thought most of the people interviewed seemed rather shallow, selfish, and juvenile in their reasoning for embracing this lifestyle, which is not surprising as parenting forces one to grow up and assume responsibility for a life not one's own. I gave it little thought thereafter, until this week. Now there is a huge difference between being 'childfree' and 'childless,' the first is a choice and embraced gladly, while the latter is often not by choice and usually quite painful for all involved, especially in a culture that regards parenting as something akin to a hobby and children as an impediment to 'success.' What happened this week to refocus my attention on this issue? I went to camp.
If one is struggling with any sort of family or relationship issues, well meaning individuals can cause intense pain without evening realizing it. If you are sitting on an adoption waiting list, going through infertility, dealing with prolonged singleness, have recently been divorced or widowed, have suffered a miscarriage or abortion, etc, etc, it is very difficult to have people repeatedly ask, 'so when are you getting married?, how many kids do you have?, when are you going to start a family, etc.' It basically rubs salt in an open wound, feelings you thought you had conquered are let out of the closet in all their ugly glory to romp once more through your addled mind, while you must maintain a fake smile, nod politely, and give some bland answer while wanting to run away and cry or snarkily say, 'mind your own business!' My own particular questions this week was, "is he your only one?" Referring to our two year old adopted son, asked about 15 times daily, as if having one child were akin to vacationing on Mars! I would love to have more kids, but barring a miracle, that does not seem likely and I have resigned myself to that fact, being asked repeatedly if he is the only one in a tone suggesting that he has two heads gets on the nerves rather quickly! Thus I have decided to embrace the modern lifestyle trend of the moment! I am going childfree!
Being barren was seen as a disgrace in the old days, whereas we moderns have discovered it is actually awesome, freeing, and enlightened. I am not childless, I am childfree! And yes, my son has agreed to embrace this new lifestyle with me (ask in the right tone of voice and a toddler will agree to anything). So the next time a well meaning lady with purple hair asks painful questions, I can reply jauntily that, "I am living the childfree lifestyle and loving it!" Of course this will only confuse her no end as I walk off pushing my stroller! Yes, I am being completely nonsensical here, though on the six hour ride home with a disgruntled toddler in the backseat I begin to realize the wisdom of such a lifestyle. Then we got home and he gives me one of those smiles and a great big hug and I realize life cannot be lived for oneself alone, that is merely existing, one must care for others to truly live. I cannot lie on the beach for hours or go on a weekend trip to Paris on a whim, but that would not bring me Joy anyway. Life is rather empty if You are the only reason you are alive. I feel very sorry for those who willingly live only for themselves and only realize it too late when life is drab, colorless, and lonely how silly they have been. This is not to say that parenting is the only option in loving others, there are many ways to serve our fellow men and love our neighbors, but rather, in choosing to live for my pleasure alone, I dig a deep and narrow grave for my once vibrant soul. This is the answer to the question, "what does it profit a man to gain the whole world but to lose his soul?" And the meaning of the paradoxical, "he who loses his life will keep it." Which means, I suppose, that I must tolerate the prying questions of well meaning old ladies, patiently bearing the pain, for love is not without its costs.
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