If you are an adoptive parent, or are thinking about taking the plunge, there are no doubt a few things this unique life experience will soon teach you that weren't mentioned in the instruction manual, if there is such a thing. You've heard the horror stories (then they took the child away...) and the miracles (they were on the waiting list like three minutes!) and the complete nonsense (now that you're on the waiting list, you'll definitely get pregnant!), but still you have no idea what you are in for until you've lived through it, and everyone's experience is different, even if they've adopted more than once. But here are a few strange truths most adoptive parents discover along the way:
- People really do mean well, even if they are nosy, ignorant, and have no concept of tact, at least most of them do. I am not sure which is worse: people that think they know everything about adoption because they know someone who has adopted or they read an article once or the people that ask really awkward questions, loudly, in front of 57 strangers. Your entire life story and that of your kids is now fair game to any and all comers, at least as far as they are concerned. And just wait until you start getting advice about every aspect of the process and even parenting tips from people who have never adopted or even had kids. Just think of it as another exercise in patience and a chance to develop your social skills on the topic, just try not to physically hurt anyone.
- No matter what you tell them, there are just some people that will never 'get it,' and insist that their ideas, opinions, or stories hold water, even if they have no basis in reality or applicability to your situation. Don't waste your time or frustration on these people, just smile and nod then change the subject or find a convenient excuse to leave the situation. Then go home and have a good laugh.
- You may feel like a criminal, a scoundrel, or have an overwhelming sense of guilt; for some weird reason, adoptive parents are sometimes viewed and occasionally treated, I hope unwittingly, by certain individuals, as if they lingered on the shady side of virtue. How dare you 'take' a child away from its real parents! You are not a kidnapper, no matter how that grumpy nurse or overly zealous social worker make you feel. While the circumstances surrounding the adoption, whatever they be, that sunder a child from its biological parents are certainly grievous and sad, they are by no means your fault or illegal and no one should be making you feel that they are.
- You feel like you could work for the FBI or some other top secret agency after all the paper work, interviews, and background checks. You really begin to wonder why everyone else can just go to the hospital, pop out a kid, and go home, no questions asked and why you still have to stand in line at the airport in your stocking feet after all that? Shouldn't you at least get a card that says 'All Clear' or some such?
- Social workers are human too, and most of them are not out to destroy your chances of parenthood. And yes, they will undoubtedly find something questionable in your life history that will make them question your fitness for parenthood, but after enough remedial classes, counseling sessions, and reading assignments, you just might make the cut, maybe, I hope…relax, you'll be fine. Just try to relax and get through the home study, which is about like saying 'relax' to the person about to undergo a colonoscopy. They tend to be a jumpy lot, and rightfully so as they are responsible for placing a child in a new family, but they do tend to flinch and gape at things that most other people hardly notice. Let's just say I never mentioned that our son slept in his carseat the first four months of life as he absolutely refused to sleep in his crib. Had he been our biological child, it would be an amusing anecdote, but as a recently placed adoptive child, our social worker might very well have had a heart attack and we'd be reading a stack of books on SIDS and flat-head syndrome and none of us would get any sleep for the next four months, which is obviously the far better alternative.
- You will occasionally be jealous, frustrated, and feel sorry for yourself as you go through life, especially if you have suffered through infertility along the way, and nobody will understand. You are not a horrible person, you are human. Becoming a parent is a desire wired into your very soul and when you watch others, especially those who abuse or neglect their kids, do so with ease, such a reaction is quite natural. This does not mean you should wallow in the sensation or allow it to influence your behavior for the worse, but it will happen. Baby showers/announcements, expectant friends, the maternity section at your favorite store, Mother's/Father's Day, any holiday except Groundhog's Day, stories about abused/neglected kids, unhelpful comments from friends/family/strangers, did I mention Gender Reveal Parties?, and a plethora of other triggers all seemingly designed to ruin your mood/day are lurking just around the corner. And while you learn to deal with the grief, even after you adopt, it will never quite go away.
- Wherever they came from, whatever their age, nationality, gender, or whatever, they are and will always be your kids and could be no dearer had you borne them yourself, even if it wasn't 'love at first sight,' which it never is. Even when they 'hate' you and pine for their 'real' parents; every parent puts up with this, biological children just don't have the convenient option of flinging their birth parents in your face, but they'll find something else with which to batter your emotions. Welcome to parenthood!
- No matter how awful, dreadful, tedious, and expensive, no matter how hard you swear it won't happen again, it just might. This parent thing is kind of addictive.
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