The true root of the 'mommy wars?'

Does the so-called 'mommy wars' exist outside of social media?  Are mothers truly at war with one another?  To stay at home or work, cloth or disposable diapers, breastfeeding versus formula, to homeschool or not, the anti vaccine crowd, spanking or not, helicopter versus free range…it goes on and on, but is all this angst and argument, controversy and shaming really accomplishing anything?  Or is it that we are so uncomfortable in our own skins and have too much idle time in which to mull over our uncertainty that we need to defend our way of doing things as the only right way, as if any other way of even thinking about raising one's kids is akin to neglect, if not outright abuse?

For most of history, mothers have been happy to put food on the table and keep their little ones clothed, it is a modern phenomenon that we argue over whether they should eat gluten or go non-gmo or organic.  This article asserts that it is a lack of the extended family, the loss of the so-called village and their support, that results in stay at home mothers feeling unfulfilled, helpless, and dull, which resulted in the feminist movement and the modern career women who likewise feel their careers are equally unfulfilling with all the added guilt of working outside the home.  I think the article has a point, a strong network of supportive friends, family, and community is vital to a family's wellbeing, but I am not sure the discontent results from a lack thereof.  I think it is only the discontent native to every mortal soul, a yearning after the home and life we've never known but for which we were designed.

I remember visiting with a friend who had just had her second child, a liberal feminist with her Master's degree now stuck at home doing laundry and breastfeeding and I felt a smothering sense of panic and claustrophobia settle around me, glad that I was not doomed to such a life; I could not imagine life imprisoned at home like that!  Fast forward ten years and I am a former career woman: sixty hour weeks, all times of day and night, every day of the year, leaving me stressed, frustrated, and dissatisfied.  I lost my job, we packed up and moved five hundred miles away and overnight I was suddenly a stay at home mom, but instead of the walls closing in around me, 'a hutch to trammel some wild thing in,' I find myself strangely content, satisfied, and eager to get out of bed each morning.  What happened?  I don't have a so-called full-time career anymore, but as a pastor's wife and working part time, I certainly keep busy enough, though I'm not exactly paid for my work, at least in cash or renown.  

The article above asserts that the 'stay-at-home' mom as we idealize her today is a rather recent phenomenon, peculiar especially to America after the second world war, previously, while most mothers were in the home, they were far from idle as the home was, 'a center of commerce.'  The Biblical book of Proverbs illustrates this lifestyle in the last chapter (31) and shows what a woman's life in a then 'upper middle class'  family might look like.  She's supervising the servants and household matters, investing in real estate, raising food, running a business (think etsy before the internet), besides for her role as mother and wife.  I think this might be a clue to the 'mommy wars' and our own discontent with ourselves and one another: idleness.  Few people in history have ever had the chance to develop ennui into an art form like modern westerners (there is a reason for the rise of social media, drug use, video games, netflix, and 24/7 TV channels), and when our diversions fail to divert us, we blame others for our discontent, failing to realize it is the disquiet within our own souls, rather than those 'horrid' formula feeders (or whatever) causing our angst.  If every single one of our 'enemies' vanished, we'd still be miserable.

I am not saying stay busy for busyness' sake, the overeager soccer mom and the workaholic career woman are no happier than the couch potato soap opera lover of '90's fame.  Rather, stay busy with a purpose (no, don't go out and volunteer until your ears fall off, that isn't the answer either).  Let the home again 'be a center of commerce.'  Do what you can to earn a little extra income: babysit, make and sell things on etsy or ebay, teach piano lessons, take stock photos, write, raise guinea pigs, whatever you enjoy and are good at and can do with your particular schedule and kids.  Even if you can't work from home, anyone can do things to improve their budget/cash flow: cut coupons, garden, learn to budget and control your finances, shop thrift stores and clearance racks, learn to cook and eat out less…  What about improving yourself?  When was the last time you read a 'good' book?  Take an online class, work on your degree, learn an instrument or a language, practice your writing or photography or knitting, plant a flower bed…  Finding 'a cause' outside the home is also a great way to break out of the prison of ennui and idleness, whether it is volunteering at a school, church, or community center, raising money for some good cause, or simply visiting and helping the shut ins in your neighborhood, helping others is never vain and getting your kids involved is not only fun but also gives them an early start on character development.  Don't forget to cultivate your soul and the virtues attendant thereunto, the only investment that will last beyond this life (besides your kids, of course).  

Rather than focusing on what everybody else is doing 'wrong,' life is far more productive (and happy) if we focus on our own faults, flaws, and shortcomings and do something to reverse them.  I am not a proponent of busyness for its own sake, but if we have enough time to focus on what everybody else is doing wrong, we are idle indeed!