I thought I had it, my whole life growing up, but it was a lie, a mirage, a figment of my own imagining. Then I went to college and grad school and thought maybe then I had found it, but not so much. Then I got married and had a career and still it was lacking. Then we became parents, perhaps then? Nope. I had many places where I have lived, many a house as it were, but never a home.
Your physical circumstances, life stage, and relative amount of success and fortune have very little to do with the concept home. Yes, you can have a very nice house, but it is still just a house, not a home, unless it abounds with life and laughter and love, whereas you can shack up in a cave or a condo or a tent and be completely at home. Are you accepted and welcome? Is there love there? Is there peace and joy and hope? Can you have fun or be quiet or cry or dance when you feel like it? Can you be yourself? Can you always go back? Are you safe? That is home, it has nothing to do with the quality or lack of walls about you.
My problem was I grew up with abuse and neglect and was taught that no one could ever love me, that I wasn't worth loving, that I deserved to be treated like dirt, therefore I could never find a home, at least until those destructive and dangerous lies were dealt with. What is it in your own life that keeps you from coming home? A destructive relationship? Believing lies about yourself or others? Focusing on things that don't really matter (career, social status, power, money…)? Waiting for the 'right' circumstances (a romantic partner, kids, a house in the country, the perfect job…)? It wasn't easy, but coming home was the best thing I ever did. You won't be disappointed and you don't have to wait, the road might be long, difficult, and painful, but the light will be on when you finally get there!
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