Real Stuffed Crust Pizza: Gluten Free Edition

My son's favorite meal is stuffed crust pizza (pizza crust with a ring of melty cheese running through it) and with his wheat sensitivity, I thought he could never eat it again.  I'm rather partial to pizza myself and have spent a year looking for a good gluten free crust recipe, while I've found some edible variants, they just aren't pizza!  I had perfected the stuffed crust pizza with a wheat based crust, but my gluten free attempts were more cake or biscuit like than pizza crust.  Light, chewy, crisp, body...that's a pizza crust.  The gluten free variant minded me of the baking powder crusts my mother used to make: more biscuit than yeast bread and I didn't want that, not in the least.  Then I rediscovered bread and wondered if I could use it as my pizza crust recipe?  The result was amazing, I couldn't tell the difference from a wheat crust!  My picky, wheat loving husband thought it was spot on too!  It is a little putzy, but worth the effort.  It also works well for thin or pan crust if you don't want to mess with the cheesy ring.  You will need either a pizza pan with a tall rim or a cast iron pan for the magic to work (even with a wheat crust).  You could try a jelly roll pan or cake pan if it can stand 450F.

Follow the recipe link above and the day you want pizza, take your dough out of the fridge.  Add a little corn starch or tapioca if it sticks.  Work it until it is silky and smooth but not crumbly (wet your hands if it starts to fall apart).  Roll into the size of crust you would like, if doing a stuffed crust, add an extra inch or two to the diameter.

Meanwhile, preheat the oven to 450F with a pan of water on the lowest oven rack.  For thin crust, preheat the pan too.

For thin crust, place the rolled crust onto the heated pan and place back in the oven for a minute or two until bubbly and beginning to brown.  Flip, poke with a fork to disperse air pockets, and bake another couple minutes until cooked through and splotched with brown spots.  Remove from oven and allow to cool for a few minutes, then top as desired (go light on the sauce, or it might become soggy).  Return to oven and broil until cheese is golden and sizzling.

For pan crust, if you are using a cast iron frying pan, heat on the stove top until pan is warm and the crust just begins to bubble before placing in the oven (un-topped) and baking until lightly golden brown and cooked through.  Top and broil.  If using a cookie sheet or pizza pan, try preheating the pan and transferring the crust to the preheated pan as for thin crust.

For stuffed crust, place rolled dough evenly into pan with extra crust draped up the sides.  Place cut cheese (1 cm x 1 cm x 6 cm) strips along edge of pan and fold extra crust over top, sealing the seam and evening out the crust.  Heat on stovetop until pan is warm and crust begins to bubble slightly and transfer to oven.  Bake until golden and cooked through.  Top and broil.  You will get some cheese leakage, but even with a wheat crust, it happens every time.  Enjoy!

'Dream the impossible dream?' Real Bread sans the wheat?!

I've been playing with gluten free yeast breads a bit of late and have had a bit of success and my flops have not been too phenomenal, I can at least salvage them for breadcrumbs!  But I had real, honest to goodness bread the other day, and this from someone who has worn out three bread machines in 10 years in her wheat years, even the gluten eaters loved it.  Every recipe I have found wants whey protein isolate, yogurt, dry milk powder, or something to increase the protein content to replace the missing gluten, but as I can't do dairy and don't really want to add pea protein (ugh!) I wasn't sure what to do, what about egg whites?  I also had to modify the flour blends as too much rice flour and the texture is awful and I can't do potato and don't like beans.  Here's what I came up with.  It is a real tasting, feeling bread, similar to a French or 'artisan' style bread and makes a wonderful pizza crust (more on that later).

In a bowl combine the dry ingredients:

1/2 cup brown rice flour (I was given some I am trying to use up, I will try oat flour in the future)
1/2 cup millet flour
1 cup corn starch
1 cup tapioca starch
1 tsp instant yeast
1 tsp salt
2 T sugar
2 tsp Xanthan gum

In another bowl, combine the wet ingredients:

2 egg whites
2 T oil
1/2 cup sweet sourdough starter*

I used my bread machine on the dough cycle but feel free to use your stand mixer.  Basically dump everything into the bowl and mix for 5-10 minutes, adding water or starch as needed to get a slightly moist dough that doesn't cling to the bowl or fingers.  Cover and let rise double.  Toss it in the fridge overnight or up to 5 days.  Pull out as much or as little as desired and kneed (cold) until smooth, adding starch as needed to combat stickiness.  Roll into a French bread, use as a pizza crust, make an artisan loaf or buns, whatever you want to do!  Cover with plastic wrap and allow to rise, slash the top, baste dough with butter for a soft crust.

Heat oven to 450 degrees F.  Place a pan of water on the lowest oven rack and fill with water (steam and heat are very important for this sort of bread).  Preheat the pan as well (A baking stone, cast iron, or a sturdy cookie sheet).  Remove hot pan from oven, transfer the loaf, and place immediately back into hot, steamy oven.  Bake until golden brown and cooked through (a food thermometer with a reading over 210 is ideal) but it is easy to over or under cook the loaf, so watch it!  Also, a long, thin loaf is easier than a stout, dense one.  Individual buns or pizza crusts are also easier to know when they are done.

*Sweet sourdough starter: 1 part milk, 1 part sugar, 1 part gluten free flour or starch or some combination thereof.  Add 1 tsp instant yeast to slightly warm mixture, mix well and let ferment on the counter for a couple days.  Keep it in a big container, it will bubble!  Stir a couple times a day and it should be ready to use in 48-72 hours.  This is the same recipe as 'amish friendship bread' starter but I like it in any sort of yeast bread, sweet or savory.  Try using your usual flour blend (I use 65-70% starch (tapioca, white rice, corn starch) to 35% flour (oats, brown rice, millet).  Replenish as necessary with the same recipe sans the yeast.

A few notes on realistic gluten free baking, especially yeast doughs

Did you know you can make edible bread with corn starch and oatmeal?  Neither did I, but even the gluten-loving husband thought it was great!  I was out of all my interesting flours (millet, tapioca) and all I had was corn starch and oatmeal (blenderized into oat flour) and I really wanted to try a few gluten free recipes, namely sourdough and Japanese milk bread, both variations I enjoyed back in those near mythic wheat days, so I made two identical batches, save the sourdough starter or gelatinized glop peculiar to milk bread and treated them like I would a usual yeast French bread, with a few differences (noted below).  I'm tired of batter breads and wanted to see if I could make an actual dough and if it was even slightly edible, but willing to use it for bread crumbs if it wasn't, my family devoured them both.  Now I'll combine the two and try a pizza crust.

Reading about gluten free baking, I feel like I'm back in my college chemistry lab: exact measurements of this, strange ingredients you can hardly pronounce, and the added delight of overzealous foodies who, as one blogger put it, 'think cooking oil will be the downfall of modern civilization.'  No gums, vegan, no genetic modification, no sugar...and it has to taste exactly like wheat bread, um yeah sort of like tofurkey is going to replace steak!  What can I do at home, with as few weird/expensive ingredients as possible?  And no, I don't like rice flour, I eat enough rice as it is, I don't want it in my baked good too, especially with that gritty texture.  I can't have quinoa, bean flours are gross, I can't afford almond flour...  I'm also not a chemist by trade, I don't do well with exactly 253 mg of X and 2.567 mls of Y; I've tried quilting with similar results: living tissue (surgery!)  is so much better to work with, it merely needs to be close to turn out beautifully, not exact.  The same with wheat bread, you add a little more flour or liquid until it looks and feels right and you're good to go.  Can I do the same gluten free?

The answer to both questions is yes, you can do it without a kitchen scale and with stuff you have in your kitchen on a regular basis (though I'd highly recommend Xanthan gum or something similar of you'll be doomed from the start).  I looked at several recipes that call for whey protein isolate and I can't tolerate whey, it is right up there with wheat for me, but maybe I could find a substitute?  Also, what about all those gluten free flour blends listing white rice flour as a flour, to me that would be a starch (sticky, no fiber, mostly carbs), but what do I know?  I did a little digging, reading, comparing and came across this lady, who seems to have a sensible head on her shoulders and has done some real life baking.  She confirmed that white rice flour is indeed a starch (brown rice flour is a flour) and breaks down many of the more common grain/seed flours/starches into either flour or starch and then came up with a handy little ratio to roughly come up with your own gluten free blend, namely 60% starch (tapioca/corn/white rice) and 40% flour (millet/oats/brown rice...).  I will note here she likes psyllium husks instead of gums, but I haven't tried that but feel free to experiment!  So using that as a basis, I began playing with the idea with what I had on hand.  Looking at other recipes and remembering what was possible in my wheat days also helped a ton.  Here are a few considerations with gluten free baking that might help you too (though they are mostly just a reminder for myself!):

Protein: a big part of what makes bread bread is that lovely gluten-y protein, so remember to use lots of eggs, cheese, whey protein, high protein grains, milk, and other such lovely things in place of it.

Structure: another important feature of gluten, so without it you must improvise.  The gums help, as does a bread pan or muffin cup or other pan with sides, you can also add physical structure into a true dough by rolling it, folding it, etc. (think croissants, French bread, Japanese milk bread).

Time: if you can stick the dough in the fridge overnight (or for several days) or leave it on the counter all day, it seems to help not only the texture but also the taste (this is for yeast doughs!).  Bring it to room temperature before working it, knead and shape it as desired, then let it rise again before baking.

Baking time: these babies take forever to bake and it is really easy to get a burned crust and a raw interior, so minimizing the bulk of the baked product can help (I had the same problem with wheat breads too!).  I like to make buns, French bread, or naan to deal with this issue, rely on internal temperature rather than looks (~210 F).

Texture: gritty or starchy is what comes to mind, especially with rice flour and gums.  Experiment with different types of flour/starch and see which ones you like (and don't!).  I like millet's light, fluffiness and the same with tapioca starch.  But even corn starch and oat flour can work in a pinch, at least if you stick to the 60% starch/40% flour ratio.  Also find a conversion chart and see how much of one flour type equals a cup of regular flour and keep that in mind.  Tapioca and millet are one to one so it is an easy conversion, but oat flour is heavier so you need to use less of it proportionally.  Also consider the desired texture of your finished product: cinnamon rolls or artisan bread?  Heavy and course might do well for the latter but not the former, oats would be great in artisan bread but a little heavy for sweet rolls!  Adding milk, butter, eggs, sourdough starter, or milk bread goo will also help make the finished product softer/less gritty.

Experiment: cooking is supposed to be fun, remember?  You will occasionally gas your family with mustard gas (trying to make my own honey mustard pretzels) or blow up the oven (the heating coil blew up right before hosting my first extended family holiday dinner!), so laugh at yourself and move on.  I am actually excited to be in the kitchen again, for one thing I feel so much better and for another I've got a new challenge in life and I really want things like cinnamon rolls and a grilled cheese sandwich!  So try it out, have fun, and enjoy!

Ingredients: what is mandatory (a severe allergy that may be life threatening or make you deathly ill) and what can you fudge on (it's trendy to eat vegan!)?  What will you eat and what won't you (kale?!)?  What is readily available for ingredients?  What can you afford?  If you omit or substitute, what effect will it have on the final product?

Precision: if you are totally new to gluten free baking, or (gasp) baking in general, definitely stick with tried and true recipes until you get the hang of it, but once you figure out this new normal, then you can be a little less precise if you like and see what happens!

Gluten free buns/biscuits or naan!

I'm not sure what to call these, they are sort of a cross between a yeast bun and a biscuit and began life as a failed attempt at gluten free pasta, but you can also make a nice little naan type flatbread if you thin out the batter.  I made oat flour pasta once, heavy as a brick but still pasta (the two year old loved it).  And as I'd like to eat real lasagna again, I thought I'd try it with my millet/tapioca flours...I left out the xanthan gum and the mixture wouldn't stick together in the boiling water; it was quite a mess, good thing I tested a small batch first!  But not wanting to waste so much gluten free flour, I thought I'd try making a bread batter out of it, and strangely it worked!  I miss naan along with all my gluten containing real breads, so I wondered what would happen with gluten free batter/dough if you baked it in the same style?  When the batter is thick like soggy cookie dough, it will make something reminiscent of a cross between a dinner roll and a biscuit and when it is thin like thick pancake batter, it will spread and make a naan type flatbread, solid enough to cut a pocket in or slice in half and use for a sandwich/grilled cheese.  Much easier than baking a loaf (that never seems to finish cooking) and then slicing it and freezing individual slices.  You could probably make a loaf with this batter as well, making it thick like the biscuit version, if you prefer.

For the batter/dough:

3 eggs
1/3 cup sugar
1 1/2 tsp xantham gum
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp bread machine or instant yeast
1 tsp salt
3.5 cups gluten free flour/starch mix (I used 40% millet flour and 60% tapioca starch)
1/4 cup powdered coffee creamer
3 tablespoons butter, melted
1 tsp garlic powder (optional!)
1 tsp vinegar
*warm water

Mix everything well, add enough water to make desired batter/dough consistency (around a cup or more for the naan, 1/2 or so for the buns, add a little at a time and mix it in and eyeball it).  Check it again in a few minutes to see if you need to add more as the starch absorbs the liquid.  Let it rise in a warm place, covered for an hour or so.  Preheat the oven to 450 degrees F, place a baking stone or cast iron pan in the cold oven and preheat with the oven, grease if it isn't well seasoned.  Place 1/3 cup of the dough/batter on the hot stone and replace in the hot oven, when the top appears puffy and dry, flip with a pancake turner and bake until cooked through (only a minute or two, depending on thickness!).  Enjoy!

Yes Virginia, there are Gluten free cinnamon rolls!

I haven't had a cinnamon roll in over a year, while I appreciate how much better I feel avoiding the long list of foods that disagree with my gut, there are just some things I miss, like cinnamon rolls.  Some things you can find a substitute or a replacement for, but there really isn't anything I've yet found to replace the soft, ooey-gooeyness of wheat saturated cinnamon buns drenched in frosting.  But I finally decided to give it a try, for one thing it is a Christmas tradition at our house and for another, my son has started a wheat-free diet (apparently he has food sensitivities as well) and since there are now two of us, I'm feeling a little bolder in experimenting with wheat-free yeast breads.  For those of you who don't believe in miracles, apparently you've never tried making wheat-free bread!

Gluten is a miracle, it makes all sorts of wonderful baked goodness possible, with just flour, salt, sugar, water, and yeast, you can make that staple of human civilization: bread.  While man may not live by bread alone, it sure makes existence so much tastier and cozier!  With five simple ingredients you can create a miracle, otherwise you need a list as long as my arm, some rather expensive or hard to find, and then have to employ all sorts of creative processes to mimic what happens naturally when you mix flour and water, and the end result isn't the same, it is a passable facsimile for those of us who can't eat the real thing, but for all of our creative chemistry and kitchen ingenuity, it just isn't the same.

I started with a basic millet based bread recipe, and as that turned out, I decided to try something a little more complicated: cinnamon rolls!

As I had the millet and tapioca starch, I looked for a recipe that called for those ingredients, many of them out there call for a store-bought, pre-blended gluten free flour mix but as most contain something I can't (quinoa) or won't eat (garbanzo beans, ugh!), I was happy to find this one.  It seems rather flexible with people swapping out all sorts of flours/starches for one another and looked like a good place to start.  I did 1/2 cup each tapioca and corn starch and used millet for the flour as written.  It would have been a disaster to roll out, but happily I found a great tutorial here.  It was still a mess (how I miss you gluten, when rolling and shaping dough!), but not an utter disaster as it otherwise might have been.  Boy were they ugly, but the taste was right on and the texture was very close (more cake-like than bready, but it's the gluten that makes bread, bread!) and I found something we can enjoy this Christmas while everyone else is devouring my beloved sourdough cinnamon rolls!

My next project will be a millet/tapioca pizza crust, I'll keep you posted!

Peanut butter fudge with dairy-free option

Peanut Butter Fudge:

2 1/2 cups sugar

3/4 cup butter*

2/3 cup evaporated milk*

1/2 teaspoon salt

1 1/2 cups creamy peanut butter

8 ounces mini marshmallows (most of a 10 ounce bag)

1 teaspoon vanilla

1 1/2 cups M&Ms

~Combine sugar, milk, butter, and salt in a large, microwave safe bowl.

~Microwave on high for 5-10 minutes, stirring every 1-2 minutes until boiling rapidly (bowl will be very hot!).

~Continue boiling for 5 minutes, stirring every minute.

~Add peanut butter, vanilla, and marshmallows, stir until melted and creamy.

~Let cool for a minute or three, then stir in M&Ms until just combined.

~Pour into a greased 9x13 cake pan and spread out evenly, cool, and enjoy!

*Margarine may replace butter and you can combine 2/3 cup very hot water and 1/3 cup powdered coffee creamer to replace milk, if desired but it may affect texture or flavor slightly! 

Individual drinking chocolate for the dairy-averse

Ugh, it is winter (it has been since the first of October!) and it looms large without the chance of hot chocolate on my part.  Most of the commercial stuff has either Sucralose, whey, or milk in it, none of which I can have, and though I've tried almond milk, I don't foresee myself keeping the stuff on hand so that doesn't help.  But what about drinking chocolate?  I found a recipe some years back for basically hot cocoa on steroids (it uses real milk and dark chocolate) and it is wonderful, but can I adapt it for a single serving and using ingredients I have on hand and can tolerate?  Yep!  Is it potable?  Yes!  Is it delightful?  Yep!  What are we waiting for?

In a small pot combine:

1/3 cup non-dairy coffee creamer (the unflavored, powdered kind)
2/3 cup water
1 tbsp sugar
1 tbsp unsweetened baking cocoa
a dash of salt and flavored extract (vanilla, almond, mint, etc) or cinnamon or flavored syrup may also be added

Heat over medium heat, stirring constantly until mixture boils and all ingredients are dissolved and add 2 tbsp of your favorite dark chocolate (chopped or chips) and stir over medium heat until dissolved.  Pour into your favorite pretty cup or mug and savor.  You can also leave out the water/creamer and substitute 2/3 cup of milk, cream, or your favorite pseudo milk.

Cookies for the gluten-averse

I miss cookies, the texture, the taste, the warm gooey goodness, I've tried substitutions, but they either run everywhere or are pretty starchy and not quite the real thing.  Then I found this ridiculous recipe somewhere in the wide web world and was rather surprised.  I don't like peanut butter cookies as a rule, but these hit the spot!

Combine 1 cup sugar, 1 cup peanut butter, and one egg.  I added a bit of salt and vanilla too.  Place a spoonful on a cookie sheet and squash/shape as desired.  Bake just until the top starts to slightly crack and allow to cool on the pan a minute or two, watch them, they can burn quick!  They are little heavy (but so are peanut butter cookies) but the texture/taste is right on.  If only I could drink milk!

Real good clothes, a fairy tale!

“…in Narnia your good clothes were never your uncomfortable ones. They knew how to make things that felt beautiful as well as looking beautiful in Narnia; and there was no such thing as starch or flannel or elastic to be found from one end of the country to the other.” “…she…put on the clothes that had been laid out for her—they were the kind that not only felt nice, but looked nice and smelled nice and made nice sounds when you moved as well…” ~C.S. Lewis, The Chronicles of Narnia~

If only modern fashion (or any fashion!) could be like Narnian clothes, but I suppose most fashion designers don't have time to read fairy tales, or even try wearing their own clothes, more's the pity!

On Getting a Life

I never wanted kids.  Growing up in abuse and neglect really sours your view of family, not to mention of the world itself.  I hated babysitting, mostly because I could never say no and got all the kids with no discipline whatsoever, nor did I have any idea of how to interact with children (or anyone else for that matter), but the neighbor kids saved me from utter and complete despair on that point, not perfect but real, showing me that a happy family wasn't just something found in fairy tales, that the world wasn't so dark and grim and hopeless as my current situation portrayed.  My life didn't have to fall into the rut laid down by countless generations before me, but I would have to be active in climbing out of that rut, else I'd end there by default.  But then who would ever deign to marry me?  I'd never get married and never have kids, a career woman I'd be.  Easy, no problems there, I'd have a full and successful life with none of the ache and pain of family.

My mother is the ultimate career woman.  Every time I call or say we're in the neighborhood, she's busy, has to work, important stuff to do...she hasn't seen her two year old granddaughter in a year and a half.  Okay, I've heard the same refrain since I was old enough to understand spoken language.  I'm tired of chasing her, bending myself into an unnatural shape hoping she'll love me this time.  But it's pointless, I'm never good enough, I'm never enough, she's too busy and important.  She has her career!  Boy does she seem happy (yes, sarcasm), sitting alone on her couch every evening watching 'American Pickers.'  The phone never rings with a friend on the other end.  There's no cheery card on her birthday.  She works every holiday, not so others can be home with their families, but so she doesn't have to be.  But she has her career and reruns, what more could she desire?

She had a family, but chose to lie in the rut, she didn't want to do the hard things, the painful things, the inconvenient things.  Now it lies ruined and broken, scattered and indifferent, like all the broken branches of our family tree as far back as you can go.  I didn't want a family, I'd never have one, but boy was I wrong; I had a career but it wasn't enough.  I'm a human person, I require relationships (not necessarily a spouse and kids!) to function and be happy and be fulfilled, but it requires admitting your brokenness, that you aren't perfect, in accepting the other person isn't either.  You need to endure inconvenience, frustration, nuisance, tedium, and the tempestuousness of another's moods.  It is so much more convenient to have all our relationships online or via text, but that isn't how we grow and it really isn't a relationship or a life, merely an existence, like my mother.

If all your friends are on facebook or you mostly text with those currently with you at a restaurant or in a car, you may have a problem.  When was the last time you had a real conversation with a congenial human person face to face (not FaceTime!)?  Lose the screen, pick up the awkwardness, and truly get a life, not just an existence.  

Italian Ice at Home

During our travels this summer I ran across a novel discovery: Italian ice, which is basically just sugar, water, and some sort of fruit juice/flavoring frozen in such a way as to minimize the size of the ice crystals, making it very smooth in texture versus say a slushy.  I scoured the interweb to discover if there was a way to do it at home (we living a thousand miles from the nearest retailer).  After scanning a few interesting recipe prospects, I adapted the various candidates to the following, which turned out most delicious:

Combine 1 cup sugar and 4 cups water in a sauce pan and bring to a boil.  Add 3/4 cup fruit juice concentrate of your choice (half of a frozen juice container, thawed) and stir until well combined.  Place in a freezer safe container with a lid and freeze.  Stir every hour or so to begin with, but as the concoction begins to set, stir every 10-15 minutes until no liquid remains.  You can eat it right away or store in the freezer, allowing it to thaw on the counter for 5 minutes before scraping a serving off the top with a metal ice cream scoop.  Enjoy!

The Most Important and Best Parenting Advice Ever!

Yes, I know every mommy blog claims just that at some point, but this is the real deal, the thing that will give your kid the best chance in life: love.  No, I'm not talking about letting junior do whatever they want because that's love, it isn't, it's indulgence or laziness or a thousand other things, but it ain't love.  C.S. Lewis's 'The Four Loves' is a great read for anyone struggling with this concept, which would be every human person.  Love in its purest and best form is doing what is best for the beloved, not what the beloved wants or what the lover feels like, but doing the hard things, the painful things, the boring things.  So love your kids, yourself, and your spouse, it isn't easy, but it's been proven time and again to be the best way not only to raise kids, but to live and flourish, anything less is mere survival.

How to cook rice noodles so that they are actually edible

In my attempt to find a semi-normal diet whilst avoiding wheat, I've stumbled upon an affordable replacement for wheat noodles: noodles made from brown rice.  Someone gave me some corn noodles, which were good, but I can't locate an affordable source, so rice it is.  If you've ever over-cooked rice, you may have an inkling of what I'm about to say.  The first time or two, they turned out perfectly and I was in love.  The next time or three, they morphed into an inedible gelatinous glob and ruined several attempts at a decent meal.  I was about to give up on them entirely but I had three pounds of brown rice spaghetti in my cupboard that would need to be used up and I didn't have another alternative, so I sought the secret of actually successfully cooking the horrid things.  I'd done it before by accident, I should be able to do it again.  And I did finally succeed, here's what I learned:

Lots of water!  When the package of wheat noodles says cook in 6 quarts of water, I laugh and use far less without any problem, but the rice noodles definitely need it.  Even if I'm only making one serving, I still use my six quart pot to cook them.

Stir frequently.

Read the package directions, but watch the noodles closely rather than just the clock.  The package said 9-10 minutes, mine took about 12.  Too little cooking and they are unchewable sticks.  Too much and you get glue.  If in doubt, taste one and see.  They should be limp but not mushy.  If there's any chance of leftovers, under cook them a tad.

Rinse under cold water immediately and then throw into your waiting sauce and stir well.  Annoying perhaps, but otherwise they develop an unbreakable attachment to one another.

You can eat the silly things, but they are far more finicky than their wheaty cousins.

Fake milk shake

I probably wouldn't use a container of soy milk before it goes bad, but an affordable and pantry stable alternative is plain powdered coffee creamer.  Mix 1 part creamer with two parts very hot water and use in place of milk in various recipes.  I used 1 cup water and 1/2 cup creamer, added a tbsp of cocoa powder and 2 tbsps of sugar, allowed the concoction to cool, and then mixed a bit with my fake ice cream to make a milk shake.  I was actually edible.  It might also prove a potable alternative to hot cocoa.  But boy do I miss real dairy!

Chocolate fake ice cream

Last week we had a fruity concoction that impersonates ice cream, this week it's chocolate:

Bring 4 cups water to boil, stir in one packet unflavored gelatin and mix well, add 2 small packages instant chocolate pudding and 1/2 cup sugar, mix well.  Let cool in fridge or freezer until thickened/cool and add 2 small containers whipped topping, stir until combined.  Place in freezer and stir every hour until solid, let 'ripen' overnight, and enjoy!

A very sad but tasty ice cream alternative

I love dairy in all its forms, especially cheese and ice cream, but apparently it doesn't get along so well with my intestinal tract (the whey), so I've had to forgo ice cream loveliness for awhile (it could be a long summer!) as almost every variety of ice cream or sherbet I can afford has added whey or milk, though I seem to tolerate heavy cream okay and I'm not bold enough to spend actual money on a soy or other plant based alternative for fear it will be a repeat of soy cheese (ugh!).  So I've been playing around with things like fruit juice and instant pudding trying to find a decent alternative that tastes great, is easy to make (I don't own an ice cream maker), and doesn't cost a fortune.  I tried a sorbet recipe I found online but that is basically a frozen slushy, while tasty, it isn't ice cream.  But after a bit of trial and error, I think I actually found something that works, it even has the right texture and you can scoop it without having to let it thaw for 10 minutes on the counter!  Feel free to play with flavors, the possibilities are endless!

Easy Freezer Fruit 'Sherbet':

Bring 4 cups of water to a boil and add a small package of jello (any flavor), stir until well combined.

While waiting for your water, in a clean gallon ice cream pail with a lid combine 1 container of 100% juice juice concentrate, 1/2 cup sugar, and if desired, a dash of lemon juice and vanilla.  Add the jello mixture and stir well.  Place in the freezer until ice begins to form on the sides and top, remove and mix well.  Mix in two small containers of cool-whip until well combined and return to the freezer, stirring every 60 minutes or so, scraping the frozen stuff off the edges and bottom and mixing well.  Eventually it will be the consistency of ice cream and you'll have a nice fruity treat!  If you are using orange juice or something similar, I'd leave out the lemon or it might get too tart, almond extract makes a nice addition as well.  Enjoy!

Not our mother...

“The main point of Christianity was this: that Nature is not our mother: Nature is our sister. We can be proud of her beauty, since we have the same father; but she has no authority over us; we have to admire, but not to imitate. This gives to the typically Christian pleasure in this earth a strange touch of lightness that is almost frivolity. Nature was a solemn mother to the worshipers of Isis and Cybele. Nature was a solemn mother to Wordsworth or to Emerson. But Nature is not solemn to Francis of Assisi or to George Herbert. To St. Francis, Nature is a sister, and even a younger sister: a little, dancing sister, to be laughed at as well as loved.”

~ G.K. Chesterton, Orthodoxy~

'Tis the season for outdoor adventures, and in this age of 'trees over people,' this is an excellent point to remember!  Go out and enjoy nature, but not as a goddess or mother, but rather as a friend, a blessing, an inheritance of which we are stewards!

Cheater's Peach Crisp

I love peach crisp, but for most of the year peaches are not in season around here, and those you can get at the store taste like nothing.  I bought some once to make jam and could only taste the dash of lemon juice I added to the concoction, ugh!  So what do you do when you crave peach crisp but can't use real peaches for one reason or another?  Use canned!  No peeling, no lackluster flavor, no stickiness everywhere, and even better, you can make about 3 servings in 15 minutes rather than a gigantic crisp that you can't eat (or shouldn't eat) the entirety of and takes several hours to complete.  You can even make it gluten free.  So what are you waiting for?

1 15oz can sliced peaches (your choice of juice/syrup)
2 Tbsp oatmeal
2 Tbsp brown sugar
1 Tbsp butter
1 Tbsp flour (your choice, I used oat)
pinch of salt

Divide the peaches evenly between 3 oven safe single serve bowls (custard cups, stoneware, mugs) cutting into bite size pieces.  Combine the oatmeal, flour, sugar and salt then cut in butter until mixture resembles coarse crumbs, sprinkle over peaches and bake in a 385 degree oven until bubbly and golden brown.  Serve with ice cream and enjoy!  That's it!

Dark in the Dell, Joy in the Morning

"One evening Sam came into the study and found his master looking very strange. He was very pale and his eyes seemed to see things far away. 

"What's the matter, Mr. Frodo?' said Sam. 

"I am wounded,' he answered, 'wounded; it will never really heal.' 

But when he got up, and the turn seemed to pass, and he was quite himself the next day. It was not until afterwards that Sam recalled that the date was October the sixth. Two years before on that day it was dark in the dell under Weathertop."

~Return of the King, J.R.R. Tolkien~

I keep thinking I'm going to be 100%, I'm going to get over this, I can heal and be like I was or should have been, but no matter how much I grow or learn or heal or change, it never seems to be enough.  Frodo came back from Mordor triumphant, but not whole, a different person than he was when he set forth, a better, bigger person no doubt, but one who was wounded with an ache that would never heal.  And he had to embrace that pain, that sorrow, that wound if he was to live without the chains of bitterness dragging him down into the inescapable pit of despair.  We all carry such a wound, whether we realize it or not.  It is the way of this broken world, none escapes it unscathed or unscarred, and we must realize the truth of the matter if we, like Frodo, are to live at peace with ourselves and our world.  We can't despair because things can't go back to the way they were, rather we acknowledge that truth and move on with our lives as best we can, we give ourselves permission to have bad days and weak episodes, but we can't live in that place of darkness, else we aren't really living.

What are you dealing with?  What haunts you?  Are you tired of trying every pill, diet, exercise, supplement, lifestyle, therapy known to man?  I'm not saying there aren't things that can help or that medical help should not be sought, but rather that there are just some wounds that this world can't heal, that we must learn to live with rather than letting it consume our lives and hope.  But Frodo had a hope, even when all hope seemed lost.  We can have that hope too.  We are promised that joy does indeed come in the morning, but first we must make it through this disquiet and interminable night of sorrow called life.  Even in the grim and hopeless shadows of Mordor, Sam sings this bit of encouragement to lighten their aggrieved and weary hearts:

Though here at journey's end I lie

in darkness buried deep,

beyond all towers strong and high,

beyond all mountains steep,

above all shadows rides the Sun

and Stars for ever dwell:

I will not say the Day is done,

nor bid the Stars farewell.

And that too can be our hope, no matter our pain or lot, at least if we are willing to seek the true Master of those stars, the One who wrought and named each one, Who counts the hairs upon our heads and knew our names ere we were born, Who counted our lives more precious than the life of His own Son.

Real Alfredo Sauce

I finally tried a friend's recipe for Alfredo sauce (now that I know I can eat heavy cream, real butter, and cheese) and it is wonderful and very adaptable.  Simply heat a cup of butter (2 sticks), 2 cups parmesan cheese, and 2 cups of heavy cream until melted/combined.  Pour over your favorite noodles and enjoy.  Add chicken, shrimp or whatever if you wish.  I added bacon and it was amazing.

A pizza 'breadstick' recipe for gluten free eaters who miss pizza and garlic bread

My family loves pizza/breadsticks and I make them about once a week for a movie night treat, but since this wheat sensitivity thing, I've truly missed the flavor and the texture of pepperoni and melty cheese and actual bread.  I've tried a few recipes with oat flour, and while it makes a decent 'quick bread' type crust, much like the 'Betty Crocker' baking soda based crust, it just isn't the same thing.  I've tried a combination off eggs and cheese as a crust, but find it very greasy though it adapts well to lasagna noodles.  I am no lover of cauliflower and can't afford the gluten free flour mixes.  The other night I might have finally figured it out.

Set oven to 450 degrees.  Combine 1/4c pizza sauce, 1 egg, 1 cup cheese, 5 slices pepperoni cut into tiny pieces, 1/3c oat flour and any desired seasoning.  Spread on a baking sheet in a layer 1 inch thick, sprinkle parmesan and garlic on top and bake until golden and bubbly all through.  Enjoy!

A non-unwitting guest blogger!

Okay folks (if any of you there be!) this is a rather unique chance: I'm my own guest blogger, yep, that's utterly weird, but as I've finally got something published in an actual publication (a webzine) I thought I'd torment you with it, here.  Just be glad it isn't my previous published works out of my 8th grade creative writing contest, Iowa Birdlife, or The Journal of Dairy Science.

Caramel Crunch Munch

I don't know what to call this, if you've ever had the Caramel Puffcorn (the recipe with the marshmallows) that's what this is, save with a little salt and using Captain Crunch cereal instead.  I was craving it but we don't ever buy puffcorn but I had a box of Captain Crunch sitting around thinking about getting stale, why not?  Here goes:

Combine 1 stick butter, 1 cup brown sugar, 1/2 tsp salt, and 3 cups mini marshmallows in a large microwavable mixing bowl.  Microwave on high until everything is melted, stirring every 30 seconds or so.  Continue to microwave until the mixture begins to boil and microwave 1 minute after that (still stirring every 30 seconds).  Dump in a 14oz box captain crunch cereal or 8oz bag puffcorn and stir until well combined.  Pour onto a baking sheet and spread thin, bake at 200F for 10 minutes.  Allow to cool, break into pieces, and try not to eat it all at once!

Priorities

I have a professional degree, I spent 8 years in school and was six figures in debt then spent the next 7 years working 60 hour weeks paying it off.  The last year of that we adopted our son as an infant and I never saw him.  Then I lost my job and we moved to another state so my husband could actually pursue his career.  Now I'm a mostly stay-at-home mom and we adopted again.  I thought I could be the professional woman with a family on the side, but I can't, I'm a mom with a side job.  People look at me funny though when I say I'd rather be home with the kids than off pursuing my career, as if it is far more socially acceptable to work so I can pay someone else to watch my kids than to raise them myself.  I've been the career woman and it leaves you empty and cold.  Your coworkers and boss and colleagues don't care about you or your life unless it interferes with your work.

Kids are stubborn, noisy, messy, destructive, frustrating, and often inconvenient, but so am I and so are you, it comes of being human.  But amidst all that, there's a joy, a fun, a mirth, a purpose, a contentment that 10,000 years of being at the top of my profession could never equal.  And no, pets don't even come close.  You are raising a person, shaping an individual that will last forever, a very shaper of destiny, what could be cooler or more epic than that?

It is rather a sad commentary on our culture that says work is more important than family, busyness better than relationships.  When I was a kid, daycare was a sad necessity but now I'm weird because my kids don't go!  But to paraphrase C.S. Lewis, none of that matters, it will all fade to nothing, only souls last forever.  Other people are the greatest investment of your time and talents, at least if you are looking for eternal dividends!  And even if you don't have your own kids, you can be a positive influence in the lives of the kids in your extended family, church, or neighborhood and let's not forget to thank all the teachers, daycare providers, coaches, etc. that touch so many young lives too!

Bonus Article!

Be prepared to cry, but this is a beautiful story about life in its most vulnerable form.

Oat flour sourdough starter

The answer is yes, I don't care what your question is, the answer is yes...well, that isn't quite true, but if your question is 'can you use oat flour for a sourdough?'  Then the answer is a resounding yes, I still can't make actual sourdough bread, but it is a nice substitute for buttermilk in quick bread recipes (muffins, pancakes...).  I combined 1 part water, 1 part oat flour, and one part sugar  and a tsp of yeast and let it bubble for a couple weeks and it has done even better than the wheat flour version, but alas, no gluten means no beautiful bread, just faint imitations.  But it can be done!

Notes from a real mom!

Here's a wonderful little article on the phenomenon of mom-shaming from a former offender, it's a very encouraging read whether you have kids or not.  Enjoy!

The Quest for a Wheat-free bread with just pantry staples

I don't know about you, at least assuming you don't own a health food store or haven't been eating gluten free for a while, but I don't usually stock Xanthan gum, rice flour, or all the hundred other 'gluten free' baking essentials, nor is the 'gluten free baking flour' all that appealing at $5/pound.  Can I make an edible wheat-free bread with stuff I already have on hand?  I'd really like to try one of these recipes and add vital wheat gluten (I can have gluten but not wheat, weird I know!) and see what happens, but until I get some I'll content myself with what I have on hand.

The problem with oat flour is it gets heavy and doesn't hold a 'poof' very well, that's my scientific word for trapping air bubbles from the leavening agents, it also gets really crumbly after baking, basically all the reasons you need gluten formed from wheat flour and why we love real bread: light, fluffy, soft.  The oats will give it a more rustic or 'artisan' bread feel, which gave me an idea.  I used to heat the oven up to 450 degrees (F) with my cast iron dutch oven inside, then I'd plop a ball of regular dough in there, slam on the lid and bake it to make a wonderful 'artisan' type loaf.  It's a technique I found somewhere on the inter web.  The theory is the extreme heat releases moisture from the dough, traps it inside with the lid, and somehow it makes a crusty crust, a soft inside, and makes the loaf nice and tall.  My poor oat bread needs all the help it can get, I'm very good at making rocks at the moment.  I also could use eggs as a leavening agent and to help bind stuff together and cornstarch might also help in that aspect.  So I went looking for a recipe with those ingredients to try my dutch oven/high temp technique.

I found this recipe and modified it since I didn't have rice flour or Xanthan gum, basically increasing the oats and cornstarch respectively.  Instead of putting it in a loaf pan, I just left it in the mixer bowl after scraping it into a ball, put a towel on top and let it rise in a warm over for an hour or so.  I preheated the oven/dutch oven to 450 and when everything was ready, opened the lid on the dutch oven, scraped in the dough ball in one solid mass, slammed on the lid, threw it in the oven and baked it for about 20 minutes (I quartered the recipe, if you halved it it would likely be around 26 minutes in my oven, I wouldn't do more than that in one baking though or it might never get done!).  It came out looking for all the world like a little artisan loaf.  It actually sliced very nicely (let it cool wrapped in a towel) and didn't crumble.  It is rather dense and moist, but not in a rock sort of way.  Even when I do wheat bread with this method the texture tends to be denser and moister than regular bread, so not unexpected, especially using oats.  Probably too heavy to use as sandwich bread unless you go open face but I bet it will make dandy toast!  Overall, not a bad result for having no idea what I'm doing!

***Okay, while this did produce a nicely sliceable loaf with decent height, I made the mistake of making real bagels for the rest of the family and trying a slice of this bread toasted, it was rather pathetic compared to the real thing.  Personally, I will give up the quest to seek a bread substitute, I don't think there is one to replace real wheat and the loveliness of real gluten-y bread.  The dough is certainly more fun to work with than the pathetic batter like stuff I'm now doing and I'd rather live without than with a poor imitation, sort of like soy cheese, ugh!  I applaud those who are determined to press onward in the quest, but personally, I am too fond of the memory of good bread to try and pretend anything else even comes close.***

Adventures and misadventures with oat flour

I've recently went wheat-less, not because of some fashionable trend or because there is anything innately wrong with wheat, rather after 10 years of excuses and foot dragging, I finally got tested for food sensitivity and wheat came up as a big no no, ugh, I love bread!  The non-wheat 'flours' at my local grocery store are atrociously priced and I'm not big on 'fake' substitutions, like the 'non-dairy milks' are anything but appetizing, the same with the soy cheese, etc.  But I did find one alternative that is both appetizing and reasonably priced: oat flour.  All you need is a giant canister of oatmeal and a blender/food processor/grinder and you've got oat flour.  I only grind as much as I need and keep any extra in the fridge.  So what can you do with oat flour?  Just about anything you can do with wheat flour, almost.

The first thing to remember with oat flour is you aren't going to have all that lovely gluten to hold your baked good together, to give them shape, chewiness, and texture.  I tried making a yeast bread with pure oat flour as I would a regular wheat loaf and ended up with rocks.  Oat flour is not as absorbent as wheat flour (at least in my opinion) so to get the same consistency as you'd expect with wheat flour, you use a whole lot more and end up with something rather inedible.  That was my first lesson.  Next I tried oat flour and yeast but treated it more as a quick bread with mixed success.  The stuff in the loaf pan rose beautifully but went flat during baking and took forever to bake.  The stuff in the muffin cups did better on both counts but wasn't all that different from a muffin.

So pure oat flour and yeast breads really aren't a good combination.  My next attempts were in recipes using baking soda, baking powder, or eggs as a leavening agent, if any.  I had pretty good success with pancakes, muffins, and yellow cupcakes, just following the recipe and substituting oat for wheat flour.  I also tried oat tortillas and a soufflé with pretty good success.  Today I tried chocolate chip cookies using a recipe I found online.  The results weren't bad, a bit crumbly but not unexpected considering the lack of gluten.  Overall, it is a nice substitute for wheat flour in non-yeast recipes, but it is less absorbent so your batters/doughs will be runnier than you might be used to but this seems to sort itself out during baking.

On the Social Aspects of Peculiar Diets

Back in the days when I was in college and preparing for the future, I remember mention of such dreadful tests as the M-CAT and V-CAT which one had to pass to get into particular professional schools, so when I heard the name of L-CAT, for a moment I wondered if I was soon to apply to law school, which would be weird as I was at my doctor's office.  The actual name is Alcat and it is a blood test for food sensitivity, or so I've heard from several people who have taken it.  I dragged my feet and hemmed and hawed and did everything to avoid the eventuality, but finally (10 years!) I took the plunge, at worst it would just be another dead end but I was sick of being sick.

As I feared, it came back with a list of foods that my gut and immune system apparently don't like.  I'd cut a lot of stuff out of my diet, thinking them the worst offenders in making me physically achy, tired, and ill.  It was quite a shock when the worst offender turned out to be wheat and I had pretty much been living on wheat based carbs for the last few years and one item on my 'do not eat ever' list came back as 'okay.'  I know other people who had had good luck with the test and felt much better after altering their diets, so I decided to do the same.  I've been off wheat for a month now and have felt great, not 100% but probably 85% better.  It isn't a perfect system, certainly or a cure, but it makes life livable again.  I was pretty skeptical at first, but for me, this test actually made a huge difference.

In my professional life I've dealt with diet related skin issues in dogs, and one 'test' is to put the hound on a hypoallergenic diet for six weeks and then slowly introduce single ingredients back into the diet, and when a certain ingredient starts causing problems, you know what the dog is sensitive to and avoid it thereafter.  I accidentally did that to myself yesterday.  I found the candy dish at work and found my favorite candy bar, which I had not had since my dietary experimentations began, forgetting that this particular piece of candy was a chocolate covered cookie, yep, wheat, oops!  And within a few hours all my symptoms came back with a vengeance.  So I guess I should publish a case study or something, but for even more corroborating evidence, I tried another experiment.  Beef was the mysterious ingredient I had avoided for so long, so for the first time in years, I ate meatballs (made with rolled oats instead of bread crumbs) and they were wonderful and, as the test predicted, didn't upset my stomach like I thought they had for so long.  Less bread, more steak I guess!

I still love wheat, even if my gut doesn't, I'm an avid bread baker and my family eats flour by the five pound bag, but I also feel good enough now that I want to cook and experiment in the kitchen, before I never had the energy.  So this has been a challenge, and a good one, it's like learning to cook all over again.  I can have oats, I'm not gluten sensitive, but to something else in wheat, so if there's a trace of gluten in something that's okay.  I put oatmeal in the blender and make oat flour and can use that in cake recipes, pancakes, muffins, and even soufflé's, but the couple attempts I've tried at yeast breads have been a disaster, but I can live without them, at least now that I've found a substitute for pizza crust (eggs and cheese!).  And it's a great excuse to make lots of special K bars (scotcharoos).

The hardest part of all this is eating outside the home.  At home I can control what I eat, but I live in a culture that is very socially food based.  You go to restaurants with your friends, people invite you over for food, there are potlucks and church suppers and pancake feed fundraisers everywhere, and even when I go somewhere professionally, after a long morning working cattle, often you get invited in for lunch.  I had a hard enough time prior to this, being afraid of most vegetables, so I would often unwittingly offend an eager hostess by not taking three helpings of cucumbers in white sauce and a large piece of pumpkin pie afterwards.  You read that right, many of these dear ladies expect you to eat three or four large servings of everything or they feel insulted!  Now I need to tell them I can't eat wheat?  Maybe if I take a good serving of beef roast they won't notice I didn't eat the bread?  Someone should write a book on the social aspects of peculiar diets!

Malpractice of the soul

Wow, was this a timely article!  I just got my lab results back for a food sensitivity test and sat through the follow-up visit, it was dreadful.  The vet world is filled with articles on making practices more friendly for cats.  Why are human doctors so intent on making their patients feel like dirt?  I have never liked going to the doctor and I was still trying to figure out why.  I'm fine taking the kids, but when I'm the patient I have literally had panic attacks for no apparently good reason.  I think I begin to understand: they dehumanize you.  You are a number, a symptom, a dollar sign, nobody cares about you or your pathetic life, just make sure your numbers are good.  Yes, there are good doctors and nurses and staff out there, please forgive this diatribe, I know you are doing your best swimming against the current of modern medical practice, this is not about you; I am truly grateful to those of you that treat your patients like people, thank you!  Time and time again, at many different facilities and check-ups and procedures it has been the same.

Like the author of the above article, I was met with a grim doctor and his list of things I did wrong.  There was no concern about the possible underlying issues associated with this condition, say a lifetime of abuse and stress and a certain medication that had triggered it, and addressing that as well, nope, it was just 'here's a list of the supplements you'd better take and the food you need to avoid,' next!  But, but...nope, that's it just change everything about your lifestyle or you're a hopeless, useless jerk and it's your own fault.  Okay...walking dejectedly out the door feeling sort of 24601-ish, cue the music.  Did I mention the time I had a concussion and was walking dazedly about the parking lot in a large medical complex in the dead of winter after being told by 3 different departments that somebody else would deal with me?  Or how about the time it took me 6 months to fix a $100 coding error?  Or when they called me in a panic to say my cholesterol was high after I had been telling them that for weeks?  I can't wait until we get socialized medicine here in the states...just imagine your last visit to the social security office or the DMV or the IRS, and you still want socialized medicine?

An actually edible, wheat free pizza crust!

I've had stomach trouble for nearly a decade, a potluck or eating at a restaurant has taken on all the fun of 'Russian Roulette,' never knowing what will make me sick for days on end.  I finally took a blood test to see if we could figure out what I might be sensitive to (that's a whole other post!); it will be interesting to see how accurate this test is, a few things came back as okay which I know make me sick (like beef) and several things are really bad that I seem to tolerate (wheat!).  Wheat (not gluten) came back in the severe category, which is very sad as I am VERY fond of bread and baked goods.  Short of starving to death, I can't cut everything out of my diet, but of the main culprits, that would be the one I am most likely to be able to live without.  So I began sifting through recipes for wheat free alternatives.  I can survive with corn tortillas, rice, and potatoes, but it will be the bread I miss.  I have no interest in wheat free breads, I know it is possible, but it is really expensive and it just isn't the same, I'd rather go without than eat the 'fake stuff.'  I also am something of a Vega-phobe (I'm afraid of veggies) so the spiralized vegetables, spaghetti squash, and cauliflower-turned-pizza crust/pasta really won't do it for me either.  I can survive without toast, buns, bagels, and the like, but we eat a lot of pizza at our house and that's something I will miss.  Thus began the search for a wheat free, non-cauliflower pizza crust.

And happily I found one, and even my kids and even more Vega-phobe hubby will eat it.  Here's the original recipe.  Cheese and eggs, that's it, sorry vegans, there's nothing on this pizza for you, but that just means more cauliflower for you right, win win!  Mix 3 cups shredded cheese (I did 2 mozzarella and one colbyjack) with 3 eggs, spread thin on a well greased cookie pan, bake at 450 until brown on the edges and golden in the middle, add your toppings, and place under the broiler until toasty.  It's a little flimsy (you'll need a fork) but otherwise it is a very close approximation without resorting to cauliflower.  Enjoy!

Of moose and men

I'm puzzled about this current age we live in, at least in our civilized West.  Especially this summer as a person in the company of three off leash canines warned me severely not to allow my children to startle the moose ahead of us on the trail.  If one asked the moose, she could care less about the humans traipsing by and gawking at her but she was certainly unhappy about the dogs, of which there were many, but it was my children that earned the social commentary and not these freelance hounds.  I have oft wondered at the modern virtue of leashed children and free range chickens/off leash dogs.  Pigs and lab rats all need a certain amount of square footage allotted to them to make the vague masses, that have never encountered such a creature personally, to continue in vague indifference as to their existence, but happy in the thought that their needs are met and attended to.  These same vague masses are quite put out at the thought of having to deal with other people's annoying offspring, however.  Whereas a nameless pig or mouse or goldfish must have certain needs met or it is a moral crisis, the children of their fellow men must needs only remain conveniently out of sight and hearing, naught else matters.

I wonder what will happen on our upcoming flight this summer, when for vagaries known only to the intelligentsia behind airline ticketing, my two year old will likely be seated away from other members of her family.  Horses cannot legally be packed on a trailer but people can certainly be cramped onto the aerial variant of a cattle barge.  Heaven help us if the child should fuss or complain!  But then I am the right villain, purchasing those particular tickets as I did and thus inconveniencing everyone else!  And there is nothing so offensive to a modern mind as inconvenience.

There are all sorts of social platitudes about why kids can't run loose anymore, most dealing with safety, but in reality because the little buggers are inconvenient.  I have no moral qualms about free range chickens or off leash dogs, it just irks me that the same consideration is not given to juvenile humanity.  I'm not saying let them play in traffic or run loose at a crowded mall or get their sticky little hands all over the exhibit at the local museum, but why can't a 10 year old ride his bike around a small town or the twelve year old walk to the local park unsupervised?  We used to have neighborhoods and families and friends and neighbors and communities who would keep an eye on any such youngsters abroad, it was part of growing up, this partially supervised freedom, but it is no longer socially acceptable.  Society is too busy and self-absorbed to monitor the inconvenient next generation.  They need to be caged, kept on a leash, and otherwise supervised, except perhaps in the jungles of social media, wherein their privacy must be respected at all costs.  And that the unfortunate parents must deal with alone, as they deemed the little monsters worthy of keeping in the first place, let them deal with the problem and not inconvenience everyone else!

So it is we are cautioned not to disturb the moose with our irritating offspring, but everybody loves a dog, even a moose!  Save no one has bothered to ask the moose!

Blue birds of shabbiness?

When we first moved here, a dear lady gave me one of those little glass bluebirds as a gift and it meant the world to me.  Then one day I noticed it was dusty so I ran it under the water in the sink only to see all the blue go down the drain with the dust!  In days of yore, the glass itself was blue so you had no problems when you did such an innocent thing.  This one was clear with a shabby blue exterior that was water soluble!  In despair, I grabbed the sharpies, found a color that was close, and started scribbling.  It worked!  The thing is good as new and you can't tell it was fixed at home.  Now my little bird and I are both happy, though I will not be dusting the poor thing in that fashion again!